Snooki Heads BodyCount’s 2012 Dead Pool

Winfrey Whale Watch Releases Highest Weight Estimate EVER

Oprah Winfrey’s Weight Watch-

The Winfrey Whale Watch just released it’s highest official weight estimate EVER for the OWNer- Oprah is now guessed to tip the scales at a whopping 320 pounds!

Amy Winehouse To Head BodyCount’s Official 2011 Celebrity Dead Pool

Bodycount’s 2011 Dead Pool

For 2011, BodyCount is including some with lethal lifestyles and some whom- well, it would just be nice if they would die.

1. Amy Winehouse-

What? You’re still alive!?

2. Bill Gates-

Check out now that you’re worth more dead than alive.  You don’t have to die if you’ll just reconfigure that home barber software.

3. Oprah Winfrey-

Either die or admit you’re a lesbian, dammit!

4.  Michael Vick-

The fitting irony would be for two presa canarios to burst through sheetrock and rip Mr. Vick limb from limb.

5. President Evil-

It’s time to end the Obama Nation.

6.  Steve Buscemi-

Enough is enough. It’s either death or a dentist. And not Amy Winehouse’s dentist, either.

7. Simon Cowell-

Because your death would be something we’d enjoy and could dance to.

8.  Every Kardashian-

Gently euthanized during the Season Finale.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow-

A little make-up now does not erase memories of 40 years looking like the Scarecrow in drag.

10. Danny DeVito-

We’d accept a permanent vow of silence.

Oprah Winfrey Now Tips the Scales at an Estimated 300 Pounds

Some of you will recall when Oprah Winfrey triumphantly walked across the stage of her show wearing size ten Calvin Klein jeans and pulling a red wagon loaded with 67 pounds of fat to dramatically represent the 67 pounds of her weight loss.  Today, Oprah Winfrey would need two red wagons loaded with 67 pounds each if she were to lose enough weight to fit into those same size tens.  Experts now estimate Oprah Winfrey in the size 20-22 range and upwards of 300 pounds.

“Not only has Oprah Winfrey literally doubled in size since that famous 1988 show,” says designer Trey Hollieux.  ”Oprah ignores conventional fashion wisdom by wearing lighter-colored fabrics.   And in a recent show where Volkswagen gave away over 100 cars to members of Oprah’s studio audience, she had trouble squeezing out of the passenger’s seat.  Standing next to the tiny Volkswagen, Oprah seemed the size of a small rhino.”

Bobby Mallory makes a comfortable living guessing weight at Paramount’s Great America.  Mallory is hard to stump, and very seldom has to award stuffed animal prizes for guessing wrong.  ”I’d guess Oprah Winfrey at an easy 300 pounds,” says Mallory.  ”Oprah’s thighs alone would tape over thirty-six inches in circumference.”

After Oprah Winfrey had one of her California homes remodeled with edible gingerbread siding, rumors quickly began to circulate that Winfrey was planning on luring children to her home, baking them into pies and eating them.  An outraged Winfrey characterized the rumors as beyond ridiculous.  ”If I wanted to devour children, wouldn’t I just open up an orphanage in a developing country?”

Last Rites and Internment for ‘Renege’

Special to Word Graveyard

By Dagrolord Del Oro

Interned into unhallowed ground next to ‘snigger’ and ‘niggardly’ in the Word Graveyard, ‘renege’ succumbed earlier this month to increasing disfavor amongst those wishing to avoid controversy.

Many believe that renege might have continued in active use for decades if the noun form of ‘one who reneges’ had not been the grammatically correct but highly incendiary ‘reneger’.  As early as 2007, journalists noted the declining use of ‘renege’ in every sector of the population but the Far Right and quietly advocated declining use of the once well-received noun.

Legislators and bridge players are the remaining sectors of the population to actively use renege.  As a sort of compromise, both groups avoid the use of ‘reneger’ and instead favor the awkward but less inflammatory ‘one who reneges’.

Steve’s Buscemi’s Teeth- Separated for Years, Filed for Divorce Today in Los Angeles

Special to Baron Munchausen’s Beat

By Dagrolord Del Oro

It was a troubled relationship from the start- one Buscemi observers have long described as ‘every tooth for itself’.  Add radically diverse political beliefs- with some of Buscemi’s teeth leaning to the Left and some staunchly Far Right- and it’s no wonder the Boardwalk Empire star followed up years of discord and estrangement with today’s official announcement.  Speculation about a possible Buscemi dental divorce began as early as 2002, when the star’s upper left canine cited creative differences with the actor.

Defacebooking

Defacebooking:

Defacebooking is sabotage of a friend’s Facebook ‘Wall’.  Typical examples of defacebooking include outing the friend as a pedophile, a truant, a stealer of office supplies, a backstabber of BFFs, or a closet Mormon.

I had to un-friend Jeremy for ratting me out on my Wall for kissing Emily at Chase’s party.